


send nudes

by owlpockets



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, Gen, M/M, Nude Photos, Sexting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-13
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-01-19 07:24:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1460785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlpockets/pseuds/owlpockets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A cautionary tale about sexting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is silly, so silly, and born out of a desperate need to procrastinate. Dedicated to everyone who has ever accidentally texted the wrong person. (N and P are pretty close together right??)

_**send nudes ☺** _

_Send nudes._ Pepper bit her lower lip, fingers ghosting over the edges of her phone as she considered Natasha’s request. She had to admit the idea of having pictures of herself naked crossing open airspace was a touch thrilling. 

_Ok_ Pepper typed back and pulled off the old tshirt she was wearing as pajamas. Her hands were starting to sweat by the time she hit send on the best of three photos. Pepper tossed the phone on the bed and face-dived into her pillow. Perhaps it was due to her inexperience with sexting, but she felt more apprehensive than horny waiting for a reply.

The phone pinged and Pepper grabbed it. _still waiting for pics are you rubbing it without me?? ☹_

“Uhh…crap.” Pepper scrolled to her outbox to resend the picture. _To: Phil Coulson_.

Oh.

Oh god.

Her phone pinged again and a message from Coulson popped up. _Not sure what to say here…is this an invitation?_ Pepper bit her pillow to keep from screaming too loud.

_

“Pepper…Pepper…seriously.” Tony choked a bit, and Pepper wished she could smack him now. Only one more day of this business trip and she could. “This is what burner phones are for. You keep all your booty calls separate. Trust me, it makes life so much easier.”

“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind for next time,” Pepper replied dourly. “Just tell me if you can get the picture back?”

“Yeah, probably. Don’t worry.” Tony paused suspiciously long. “So…who were you trying to send it to?”

“ _That_ …is none of your business,” Pepper snapped back.

“That’s okay, I already know,” Tony replied, gleeful. “Can’t say I blame you for dumping me for her.”

Pepper sighed. He was bound to find out anyway. “I will END you if you ask to watch.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a series now, apparently. Thanks to Imagin-Aries (damn you) for encouraging my ridiculousness.
> 
> Check out this [cute lil comic](http://jarvipie.tumblr.com/post/83175543233/happy-belated-owlpockets-3-wish-i-had-more) by jarvipie inspired by the original drabble!

“Coulson?”

Coulson fumbled his phone and dropped it, fortunately not cracking the screen against his desk. He had been contemplating for the past half hour whether to reciprocate Pepper’s unexpected nude photo. It wasn’t really his style, but….

“Maria, yes? I was just…uhh...thinking I should call you,” he lied.

She blinked at him, clearly not buying it. “Anyway, I found the files you were looking for.”

“Right. Thanks.” Coulson took the folder, carefully palming his phone. As Hill turned to go, he blurted out, “Hypothetically, say someone you know unexpectedly texted you a nude photo of themselves...how would you reply to that? Would it be kosher to send one back?”

Hill turned and stared at him with that creepily blank expression she used when she didn’t necessarily want to answer. “I think…it’s…fine. Why are you asking me this?”

Coulson inhaled and shook his head. “No real reason. Asking for a friend.”

Blank stare still firmly place, Hill retreated out of his office and back down the hall. Coulson exhaled gustily and looked back at his screen to make a decision, but the photo appeared to be missing. “Huh.” Ten seconds later a text arrived from Tony that was just a smiley face. 

“Son of a bitch.” Coulson sighed and put his head down on his desk, mentally kicking himself for almost causing a huge embarrassment. Tony wouldn’t bother so quickly and cleanly hacking his phone for anything less than Pepper’s dignity. 

Another ten seconds later his phone pinged again, this time from an unrecognizable number. Coulson opened the attachment, and it was the same nude photo of Maria Hill with the face slightly obscured he had seen three times before. He closed it and turned his phone off.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's for Dirge. XD

_DICK PICS BRO_

Bruce chuckled at Tony’s message, wondering if he was being serious or not. Sometimes, he was finding, it was a very fine line. _…Why?_ , he typed back.

_For science!_

Bruce did not believe that for a second. _What’s it in for me?_

_My undying affection?_

_Come to the samba club with me on Saturday and I’ll consider it._ Tony had managed to resist all of Bruce’s previous attempts to coax him into a night out dancing, but it was worth a try.

_Done_

Working in Stark Tower had some distinct advantages; Bruce had never had a private bathroom for his lab before. He stepped in and pulled off his clothes in front of the mirror, turning at various angles until he could get a decent, full frame shot of his lower body. After a moment of consideration, he slapped a green filter on it and sent it to Tony. 

By the time he was back at his workspace there was a reply, _jfc_.

Bruce cracked up and almost knocked his eye against the microscope. The first message was followed by another that just said _hot_.


	4. Chapter 4

“Incoming,” Natasha called out from the couch where she was sprawled tap-tapping away on her phone.

“What?” Tony mumbled, his mouth stuffed with a donut while he navigated through a particularly rough patch of the Mario Kart course he and Bruce were playing. 

Before Natasha could explain, all the phones in the room pinged at once. Bruce was losing anyway, so he got to his first. “….Oh. Uhh…”

Tony paused the game and grabbed his as well. “What the fuck, Clint. Is this what you meant by incoming?”

“Yeah, it’s a problem,” Natasha sighed. “He calls it butt bombing.”

Pepper poked her head in the room, looking a bit disgruntled. She held up her phone. “Did you guys get…?”

“Yes. Just ignore it, everyone else does.” Natasha had already deleted hers. Most likely Coulson would be calling to have Words very soon.

“But _why_?” Bruce sounded mostly baffled with a hint of amusement. “Is he really that desperate?”

“No, it’s…” Natasha tried to think of the best way to phrase what she wanted to say. “It’s a gesture of good faith. Basically it just means he considers you a friend. You’re BFFs now, get used to it. Also he's probably drunk.”

“I don’t know how to respond to that,” Pepper said behind her. Bruce nodded and Natasha shrugged in response.

Tony looked almost impressed. Almost. “It’s a nice ass, I’ll give him that.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jane is into it.

It’s not that Steve was adjusting poorly to 21st century technology, it’s just that he couldn’t figure out why his new phone kept changing certain words he typed for no particular reason. He would have to talk to Tony about that soon because there was clearly a glitch in the programming. For the moment, Steve was content with the overall functionality of the device.

Thor: _MY MORTAL FRIENDS I HAVE RETURNED_

Steve smiled at the text, amusing himself by remembering that he learned how texting worked before Thor, who seemed perpetually stuck in capslock. Somehow it seemed appropriate since Thor was a pretty loud guy most of the time. _Wb! Any Asgardian news to report?_ he typed back.

Steve slipped the phone back in to his pocket and continued his customary morning perusal of the newspaper and coffee at the little shop near his apartment. He didn’t look at his phone again until he was leaving, at which point he narrowly avoided walking into the revolving glass door because the screen was showing a carefully posed, full body naked picture of Thor and that didn’t make a single lick of sense. Three more popped up in quick succession after, all slightly different, accompanied by the caption, _FORGIVE ME FRIEND FOR SENDING FOUR JANE SAYS ALL MY SIDES ARE GOOD SIDES_.

“What in the hell….” Steve sat back down heavily, a slight dread building that he already might know what went wrong. Sure enough, ‘news’ had autocorrected to ‘nudes.’ As a horrific added bonus, ‘Asgardian’ was now ‘Assguardian.’ Essentially he had sent an invitation to which Thor was almost guaranteed to respond positively. While Thor was undeniably easy on the eyes, Steve preferred to be aware of when and with whom he was flirting. 

Steve closed out the message and sat with eyes narrowed, staring a hole through the SI logo on his phone. He had a pretty good idea what was going on and who was likely responsible. This wasn’t a conversation he wished to have in public, so instead he started a new message. _Gdi Tony fix my autocorrect!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I might open this up for suggestions, if anyone is interested? Send me your hilarious, ridiculous, and/or entirely embarrassing sexting ideas. I might not ending up using them, but they will certainly be appreciated anyway.


	6. Chapter 6

Sam’s phone showed a text from Steve for the third time in one hour. The messages were just odd little words that didn’t seem to be about anything. There were several possibilities: 1) Steve was accidentally texting with his butt, 2) the messages were some kind of secret agent code Sam didn’t know, 3) Steve’s physical age had suddenly caught up with him and he was going senile, or 4) Steve was fucking with him. Sam was sort of betting on the first one.

When he finally picked up the phone and checked the text, all it said was “CHINA.” Sam stared at the screen, willing it to reveal the secret behind this message. He considered actually replying to this one to ask what they all meant, but he could see how that might end in embarrassment.

Bucky walked by the table where Sam was sitting with a coffee mug and a sweet roll, looking rather more clear-headed than usual. Sam picked up his phone and started scrolling. “Hey, so Steve has been sending me these weird messages today…I don’t know if it’s an accident or a code or I don’t know. Spy shit.”

“All of the above?”

Sam chuckled and handed over his phone. “Any idea what the hell this means? I can’t figure it out.” Instead of an answer, Bucky choked on his sweet roll and Sam had to thump him on the back. “What the hell, man? Is it that bad? Is Steve in trouble? What should we do?”

Bucky waved a hand at Sam and coughed a little more, face twitching like he was trying to suppress a smile. “No, he’s flirting with you. Well, he’s also kind of fucking with you, but mostly flirting.”

“…What?” Sam stared at the message, the letters C-H-I-N-A taunting him. “It just says China—oh. It’s an acronym. That’s why the caps… Is this something I shouldn't be looking at at work?”

“It’s a code we used a lot in the War, Come Home I’m Naked Already. CHINA. There’s a bunch of others too.”

“Are you shitting me right now? What do these two mean?” Sam scrolled up and handed the phone back.

“HOLLAND is Hope Our Love Last And Never Dies and EGYPT is…” Bucky grinned like a maniac suddenly, “Eager to Grab Your Pretty Tits.”

Sam howled with laughter before he could stop himself. “Steve, Steve, Steven…I never would have guessed. Okay, how do I reply?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I saw this, I knew I had to include it in this somehow. http://mentalfloss.com/article/53690/11-sexting-acronyms-1930s


End file.
